When you grow up in a religious household, learning about sex and both the intimacy and vulnerability that comes with it often creates a lot of stress for the future. I had doubts and worries about my wedding night before I’d even met the guy I would marry!
These worries had nothing to do with me being part of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, but everything to do with the way that many people talk about intimacy, or rather, the lack of speaking about it.
Sadly, because sex is one of those taboo topics, wedding night doubts are extremely prevalent, particularly among women. When you hear more about the importance of waiting until marriage and being chaste than you do about the importance of healthy marital intimacy, it creates some unintentional negative correlations for individuals who wait until marriage.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I believe that intimacy was created for marriage and that people should practice abstinence while single, but that belief alone doesn’t make the first time any less stressful.
When I got engaged to my husband, I read every Christian wedding night story that I could find—I was nervous and wanted to know what to expect. Does it hurt? Will I bleed? Will he be disappointed in the experience or me? Does sex come naturally to people, will we know what to do?
Of course, I knew I’d have my own unique experience and couldn’t correctly answer these questions now. However, other women have a lot of wisdom to pass down to you and can ease your nerves for the big night.
So that’s what I’m doing today! I’m going to break down a few tips on preparing for your first night of sexual intimacy, some of which I shared in my 10 Sexual Intimacy Tips & Resources post, and share my own wedding night story.
Tips to Prepare for Your Wedding Night
As you’re planning your perfect wedding day, it’s important to spend some time preparing for your wedding night too! Here are the tips that helped me ease my fears and start my experience as stress-free as possible.
Love & Trust
When you start feeling anxious about the wedding night and first-time intimacy, remember that your spouse loves you for who you are! They love you, you love them, and you both have complete trust in each other.
It’s okay to be vulnerable and share this experience with them! They won’t be looking for ‘imperfections’. If you can keep this in mind throughout your intimacy, you can focus on strengthening your relationship and growing even closer together rather than letting your insecurities get in the way.
Don’t Skip Learning
Well before the wedding night, I highly recommend spending some time learning about sex and intimacy!
My husband and I read this book about sexual intimacy in marriage. It’s from an LDS standpoint so it’s an appropriate resource to turn to and is full of great information. We read it separately first and then read it together as well. You can also email earthlyparents@gmail.com for a free PDF of the book.
Reading together worked great to jumpstart that learning process and set realistic expectations for sex.
Communicate
My biggest tip for intimacy? Learn to talk about it, and start now!
Sure talking about intimacy can be uncomfortable in the beginning, but it’s so important to open that channel of communication.
If you’ve already established expectations and are open to talking about sex you’ll find it much easier to communicate throughout your physical relationship and you’re both much more likely to have your needs and wants met without hurting anyone’s feelings.
You’re Both Nervous
This is something we tend to easily forget. You’re not the only one who is nervous, your soon-to-be-spouse is nervous too.
They also have insecurities. Both of you want to feel accepted.
Remember how you were nervous about your first kiss? Now you find yourself kissing your fiance without a single thought or worry. You’ll get better at sex over time, but don’t expect to have it all down before you’ve even tried it.
Boost Your Confidence
You’re almost guaranteed to be feeling anxious on your wedding night, so make sure you pack some lingerie or an outfit you feel confident in to wear for your first time!
When you feel confident you’ll look even more attractive, and wearing something nice can help you feel a little less vulnerable and out of place.
Take it Slow
Being in pain was one of my biggest worries; however, in almost every case when a woman is in pain her first time having sex, things went too fast and she wasn’t ready.
It’s important to take your time! Enjoy being close and don’t rush it. You’re not racing to a finish line, you’re enjoying each moment and the physical closeness that you’re experiencing.
The Guilt Mentality
It can be hard to not feel guilty for having sex. After all, you may have been told your whole life that sex is bad!
Sex isn’t bad. Sex is good when used properly within a marriage.
In the weeks leading up to the wedding night, try to start preparing for the mental transition and not just the physical one. Prepare to reroute the guilt you may feel and remind yourself that sex is good. God created sex to bond husbands and wives together and it’s important to marriage.
Give it Time
No matter what, don’t look down on yourself. You won’t know what you’re doing on the first try, but you will get better over time. Ask each other questions, communicate, follow each others’ feedback, and celebrate the growth you guys accomplish as you improve together.
You have your whole life to figure intimacy out, and feeling bad about things is only going to make you feel worse overall. Try not to stress about it!
My Wedding Night Story
Everyone tells you that your wedding day will be a blur, but it seems like you don’t really believe it until you experience that whirlwind day for yourself—let me tell you, they’re 1000% right.
There’s a reason why wedding guest books exist, you will truly need help to recall memories from your wedding day.
In the blink of an eye, our ceremony was over. All the pictures were taken, dinner eaten, reception finished, and we were sent off through a tunnel of sparklers to start our life as newlyweds.
He opened the car door for me and I tried to get in as gracefully as possible in my lace and tulle mermaid gown, stuffing the skirt’s layers into the car so the door could close.
He hopped in the driver’s seat and off we went! We drove to my—soon to be our—apartment, to change out of our wedding clothes and grab our suitcases.
He picked me up bridal style and carried me through the doorway.
After stepping out of my lace-up dress and removing close to 100 bobby pins from my hair, we were ready to drive to the hotel where we were spending the night.
We had changed locations a few weeks prior so we could stay close to the airport, opting to make the 90 mile drive after the reception so it would be a little easier to leave for our early morning flight just a few hours later.
Our faces were all smiles as we reminisced about the day and realized we had done it, we got married! We were now husband and wife.
At the Hotel
We checked into the hotel, surprised to see my husband’s name on the ‘Guest of the Day’ board, and got upgraded to a very nice apartment-style hotel suite. There were stairs leading up to the bedroom and everything!
To this day we’re not sure how that happened, but our best guess is that the Bishop from our singles ward had called and worked some magic.
When we were settled in I grabbed my carry-on bag and went to the bathroom, trying not to let my nerves get the best of me.
I had packed some white lingerie because that seemed like the classic wedding night choice, period products because I’d been bleeding for two months since I got my IUD inserted, and a scrapbook of our relationship that I had secretly put together over the past two months.
I took my tampon out, put on the white lingerie (hoping not to bleed on it), and put my comfy lounge clothes back on overtop so I could walk upstairs feeling a little more confident.
Making the Move
Still feeling a little shy, I asked him to close his eyes. He, of course, did just that.
I walked upstairs and sat on the bed, gingerly setting the scrapbook on his lap. He, understandably confused, opened his eyes and started to flip through the book.
Needless to say, it was a sweet gesture but wasn’t what he was expecting at that moment.
After reminiscing on our relationship with the book we leaned in to share a kiss, taking our time and enjoying this moment together.
I began to be less worried about how I looked and, luckily, forgot about being on my period while wearing white lingerie.
That kiss continued and we figured things out together, taking our time.
Nothing hurt. We laughed through the awkward parts. No one felt insecure or ashamed.
It was just us, together, closer than we’ve ever been before.
Sure it was new, and we weren’t used to it, but because we waited until marriage we already had a strong mental and emotional connection, we just added some physical aspects to the mix.
In Some Ways It’s Natural
We took a shower together afterward and, to our surprise, it didn’t feel weird. Being around each other just felt natural in many ways.
I had spent months stressing about all of the wrong things. I had a wonderful man who loved and respected me for exactly who I was at that moment. He didn’t care that I never lost the weight I would’ve liked to shed before the big day. All he wanted was to be with me at that moment. I was enough.
As you prepare for your wedding day, please keep that in mind! You are more than enough exactly the way that you are right now. He loves you. He wants you, ‘imperfections’ and all, and he will be gentle with you as you both figure out intimacy together.
Got another tip or resource for all of those bride-to-bes? Please share in the comments below!
In the meantime, here are some other great wedding-related blog posts to check out!:
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